My mom and I in 1999.

I began writing fiction at the most inopportune time—it was literally the week I went back to work after my maternity leave, and my twins were five months old.  Of course, I had no idea at that moment how much of my time, heart, and soul I would pour into my laptop over the next months and years. I was just following my muse on a lark. I know now that it’s not uncommon for new moms to start novels—there is something about all the generative energy we have, once we are no longer gestating.  At the time, it seemed kind of crazy, but I just couldn’t resist the story and the words that began to flow from my fingertips.

In two short months I had written my first novel in every spare second I could eke out of my life.  Writing was all I could talk about, and I’m sure I was very annoying. (It’s still 70% of what I talk about, so now I am only slightly less annoying.) I began taking classes, going to RWA meetings, joining online critique groups.  Writing, learning to write, and my friendships with other writers took up all my spare time.  That’s when things started to get hard.  Both my husband and I realized what it meant for me to pursue writing seriously—it would cost us.

Then my mother came to visit.  Very casually, without even realizing I had forgotten, she reminded me that I had always wanted to be a writer.  Once, when we’d visited her parents’ house in my childhood, my grandfather showed me books—real mystery novels published in the 1960s—that his cousin had written.  Real people wrote books! maybe I could too? I became inspired, I penned several short stories, and I told my grandmother I would use her name, Belle Dean, as my penname.  When my mother reminded me of this visit, my old dream began to burn brighter. Twenty-five years later, and a series of Twilight novels later, I look Belldene, instead of Belle or Bella, as my name.  Yes, my mother really did name me Amber after the great 1940s romance novel Forever Amber.

My mom reminded me of a childhood dream I had long abandoned.  Maybe she even destined me to this path.  I did read her tattered copy of Forever Amber at a rather young age

And more subtly, she encouraged me that moms need to follow their dreams, and that kids need to see their moms be passionate about things other than motherhood.

For all these reasons, I dedicated Blood Vine to my mom.  On January 7, the day it went live on Amazon, I was driving home from work and talking to my mom on my phone/headset.  She downloaded Blood Vine onto her Kindle and began to flip through, all the way across the country where she lives in Florida.  And when she saw the dedication, she gasped with surprise and began to cry.  I think she knew about all the blood and sweat and tears that went into my book, but until then I hadn’t told her how much she had made it possible.

I’m pretty sure that anything I am good at, I owe to my mother, and when I hold my own children in my arms, I pray that I come close to loving them as well as she has always loved me.

This is a Blog Hop! Check out what other Omnific Authors have to say about their moms in celebration of Mother’s Day.

Recently I heard through the grapevine that a family friend objected to my use of the word fuck in my novel Blood Vine.  I certainly don’t mind, and she’s entitled to her opinions.  She’s always been delightfully supportive of me, and I think its sweet she hasn’t wanted to hurt my feelings by sharing her complaint.  But hearing it got me thinking.

Her objection, as it was reported to me indirectly, is that the word fuck connotes the violent side of sex.  She is a victim’s advocate—a woman who works with women who have suffered violence, and so I understand where her concern is coming from.

I too am a feminist, deeply concerned about violence against women.

As a writer, I think hard about the relationship between sex, consent and violence.  I also think about the way experiences of trauma effect people’s desires.  Good sex writers are mindful of issues of consent—they may explore the issue, but they do so with intention.  Readers tell me they are very sensitive to anything that feels even slightly like a rape.  It’s no wonder, given the astounding statistic that 1 in 4 or 5 American women will be the victim of sexual assault in their lifetime.

But to me, the word fuck does not equate to rape.  It has many connotations. As the fabulous Pam Rosenthal/Molly Weatherfield said to me on Twitter about the word: “I love it for its clarity. Love optional; shaken not necessarily stirred.”  Love optional is precisely the way my characters use the word fuck in Blood Vine, and it’s meant ironically from the start, as I hope the reader knows Andre and Zoey’s attempt to resist love will be laughable.

And yes, I thank God we are finally at a point in our culture where we accept that women and men are allowed to enjoy sex for the pure animal pleasure of it, that shakes our body without stirring our hearts.  Even people that love each other might occasionally (or frequently) just fuck.

A clergy friend of mine said, “I love the word fuck because it contains so much power and so many nuances. You can say it to express rage just as accurately as to express awe, but you can never really use it to express mediocrity.”  He makes a great point.  It is precisely this power that makes it so appealing.  Our awe about the base power of sex is called up, and in a way violated, when we use it as a curse, for the same reason people like to say Goddamn–we cross a sacred line when we say it.

That power is the reason, as Kristin said on my Facebook page, it makes us “feel better just by screaming it out a few times.”  Kristin goes on to rhapsodize about the many meanings of fuck: “rage, pure and utter confusion (in a WTF sense), desolation.”  Ah yes.  WTF.  Have there ever been three more delightful letters strung together in a text or tweet?

I remember as an adolescent, first delighting in the naughtiness of profanity, and trying to grasp the logic of the many facets of the word fuck.  Perhaps you’ve heard the joke that fuck can be used as almost every part of speech, noun, verb, adjective, etc.    But it’s more than that—it’s that it can mean good and bad, reverent and irreverent, angry (fuck off) and ecstatic (fuck yeah).   The lowly four letter word shit falls flat in the face of fuck.

There is a tension in all religions between reverence and irreverence—both are tactics for approaching spirituality and relating to the divine. You probably won’t be surprised to hear that I fall on the irreverent end of the spectrum. I’m a fan of the mystics like Rumi and Hafiz who show their affection for God in profane (as in every-day, stuff-of-life, including sexual) language in order to make God more relatable.  And as a devotee of sex, I take the same approach.

I realize others fall on a different place on this spectrum.  I’m pretty sure I never heard my mother say the F word until I was an adult.  Now she frequently says it in my hearing.  But she raised me to be able to code switch between banter with my friends, the work place and “polite society”.  For sure, the F word doesn’t belong in every conversation.  And so I plan to raise my own children without saying fuck in front of them.

And for people like my family friend, no amount of argument will change an instinctive response to a word (I know, because for much less valid reasons, I loathe the word impactful).  She may just never like my writing, because of the way I use the word fuck, and that’s okay.  We’ll still be friends.

To me, the word fuck is beautiful and essential because it brings with it our incredibly powerful and complicated feelings about sex, and allows us to express a vast range of emotions about the world.  And, as my writing friend Jennifer Davis says, even the way it sounds is wonderful.  There’s just “something about the clacking of the ck.”

I’m at Paranormal Unbound today talking about life’s great mysteries and why hot men help me contemplate them:

“These days, I’d rather not read a heavy, nonfiction book.  But take off Alexander Skarsgard’s shirt and smear him in blood, and I’m willing to contemplate the horrors of genocide…” Read More.

Come by and comment and/or tweet to enter a giveaway.

Aubrie is giving away a copy of Playing the Maestro to one commenter so leave her a line for a chance to win! 

I love that you have made both your dreams—of becoming a concert flutist and a writer—come true.  How do you see music and writing go together?  In what ways are they totally different?

They are both creative art forms that require hard work, determination, and love. I’ve used what I’ve learned as a flutist to become a better writer. Composing music is like writing in so many ways. The big difference for me is that in the art of performance, you have to recreate your product each time. But with writing, once a book has been written, it’s there for all posterity. When I go to a book signing, all I have to do is sit there with my finished product. But when I play a concert, I have to recreate my product on the spot.

I’m not surprised by that similarity, but what an interesting difference! Can you tell us a funny story from the secret world of orchestra musicians?  (You all always look so classy and serious in your black clothes—is their scandal or silliness behind the scenes?)

Sure! We are very silly Sometimes we write funny things in the music or joke around when the conductor is talking to another part of the orchestra. The best thing I’ve seen is when you play a solo, the person next to you may shuffle their foot or tap their finger on their knee to show applause and support-during the music right after you put your instrument down. That has always warmed my heart.

It makes me smile just to think of that! Do you have a favorite fictional book about music?

Not really. But I do love Mr. Holland’s Opus- a great movie.

What is your favorite romance novel and why?

Winter Rose by Patricia Mckillip- the language is gorgeous and the story has just enough turmoil and romance for my taste. Also, it’s set in a fantasy world- a plus for me!

That sounds great–I’m adding it to my TBR. Now, tell us a little bit about your writing process? 

I like to listen to Radio Gaia- it’s an internet radio station. I sit at my messy desk with all of my little totems: A miniature Jack Sparrow, a miniature Legolas, my Hobbit calender, my Darth Vader doll, and a whole bunch of sticky notes. I write in the morning before work, and at night after work. I try for 1k a day 365 days a year. Last year I made it to 316. Pretty close, but this year I really want to get to 365!

That’s really impressive.  What do you find hardest about writing?

The bad reviews. I don’t even read them anymore. They just halt my creativity. Why da people have to say bad things about anything in the world?

I know what you mean.  I don’t mind a thoughtfully critical review, but rudely negative ones are annoying!  I think your approach is right-on–don’t pay them any attention.  Can you tell us about what are you working on now?   

I just finished the sequel to Playing the Maestro! This time the orchestra tours Italy and the oboist falls for an Italian tour guide. I thought Maestro was going to be my favorite, but I love this story even more for different reasons. In a way, it goes deeper than Maestro did, taking the characters out of their element and making them question what music really is.

Playing the Maestro and the sequel both sound wonderful! What was it like to write about a world you know so much about?  How much did you draw on your personal experience?

It was so easy for me to write about a world I knew about. The words flowed very fast, and I had to watch myself and create characters that no one would be insulted by! I have too many music friends, and I didn’t want them thinking I’d written any of them into my book! I remember the day I had to break the news to my violinist friend that the violinst was going to be the “bad guy.” Thankfully she laughed and said I got that right!

LOL.  I can imagine that would be tough.  I know you like Sci-Fi and Fantasy.  Was it is big switch to write a contemporary novel? 

Oh yes! I felt like I was going naked. No pretty worlds, space aliens, or unicorns to hide behind. And unicorns are pretty big, too. Easy to hide behind if you want.

Do the musicians you play with know about your writing? 

They think it’s a hoot. They look at me like, “I didn’t know you were a writer?” It’s good, because it balances my music well.

Okay.   Here are some fun questions

Red wine or white? Red wine. White wine tastes like toilet cleaner.

Coffee or tea? Both. Anything with caffeine.

Vampires or werewolves? Vampires. Werewolves are smelly and don’t live forever.

History or Future? Future. If I’d lived back in Mozart’s day, I’d be dead by now of appendicitis. They probably wouldn’t have even known why I died. Sad for me.

LOL.  You are a woman after my own heart!  I think about things like that all the time.  I’m so glad to have you as a guest on my blog today and to have gotten to know about you and your writing.  I’m really looking forward to reading Playing the Maestro.  

Aubrie is giving away a copy of Playing the Maestro to one commenter so leave her a line for a chance to win!   This give away will end on Saturday 4/13 at midnight PST.

Click to Tweet this post!

The other authors’ posts this month have been great, but of course, Pedro made ours silly!

Hope you can come by to read our interview, plus a Blood Vine excerpt!

A.J. is smart, funny, and a sexy scientist, so you don’t want to miss this.

Stop on by and share your favorite heroine for a chance to win a copy of both our books, plus one of the winner’s choice from our feminist heroines list.

Not much is better as a writer than when a reviewer really sees your vision of your book, so I SWOONED this when their reviewer Kristin D, said this about Blood Vine:

“Belldene creates a rich, beautiful, complex love story that has amazing characters, a unique mythology, and lush setting. While this is very much a romance, Blood Vine is really more about creating a family, and Belldene has taken these broken characters and made them whole. This is one of the best vampire novels I have read in a very long time.” Read more…

And she gave it 5 Tombstones!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

I am so excited to announce the launch day of my new group paranormal blog, Paranormal Unbound– breaking rules, redefining genre, stuffed full of awesome.

I feel lucky to be part of a group of such smart and talented authors, dedicated to promoting and defending all that is awesome about the paranormal genre.

We have big bundles of our books to giveaway all week for our launch.  And you just don’t want to miss what these ladies have to say about books.  So come on by, and be prepared to add to your To-Be-Read shelf!  Here is our welcome post, written by the lovely and hilarious Angela Quarles, which makes me giggle every time I read it! Greetings, we come in peace!

One of the most meaningful parts of my job as a priest is getting to talk to adolescents honestly about sex and so I want to share two things that made me especially grateful for this role in recent weeks.

After that horrible date rape incident and the widespread critique of its coverage in media last week, I saw this wonderful post:

I am so fucking sick of teaching our daughters not to get raped

I appreciated the outspoken honesty of this blogger, and immediately I felt blessed that it IS a part of my job to teach boys that no always means no.  In all honestly, as I thought more about it, I remembered the times kids have asked me about safe words and BDSM, because they see and hear about these things in media. It’s HARD to explain the ethics of BDSM to kids, but even those conversations became chances to deeply explore the meaning of consent.

Today I saw this awesome post:

How to Start Loving your Vagina

Amen.  Much of what I teach is an age appropriate version of this feminist’s rant, because I do think it is a part of my sacred duty to teach girls to love their vagina, and for kids to know what they look like, not only in porn.  And for girls to understand how their bodies feel pleasure, since it’s not quite as obvious as it is for boys.

I am saddened by how many parents shy away from these conversations because it makes them uncomfortable.  But so many of them have expressed gratitude to me for being able to talk to their children when they are afraid.  And, honestly, the kids are more comfortable with this too.  I wonder if has to be that way, but it usually is.

I don’t really know for sure what the Bible means when it says humans were created in the image of God.  (Does God have a vagina !?!)  But I am certain it means our bodies are holy, and beautiful, and meant for love and pleasure, and we should always have the right to set our own limits.

I am enormously grateful I get to teach kids about that, and pretty darn sure that discovering my passion for teaching kids about sex was a stepping stone on the path toward discovering my love of writing sexy romance.

P.S.  Isn’t my cupcake cute?

These tensions fascinate me, not just in my own life, but as a friend, a priest, and perhaps most as a writer, although it pains me to admit it wasn’t until I had completed my first draft of Blood Vine that I saw its familial themes clearly and understood how they would play out over the series.  Strangely, all the new projects I have planned are in some ways family sagas.

This week, I have also been watching a lively conversation about feminism and romance novels in the blogosphere that has made me think about my writing in new ways. I won’t recount it here, except to mention something the conversation on historical romance novelist Cecilia Grant’s blog got me thinking about: that not only does feminism say a women doesn’t have to find motherhood the only meaningful occupation in her life, but also that men ought to be free to be fully engaged fathers. Which is to say, gender equality frees everyone.

I recently read Loretta Chase’s Lord of Scoundrels, a widely beloved historical romance novel, and (spoiler alert) when its hero faces up to himself as a father, I became a blubbering cry baby. Perhaps you saw my tweet: “Oh Shit, Lord of Scoundrels is about this? #BestBookEver.” What can I say? I’m a sucker for books that explore these themes.  My own husband did not always know he wanted children (neither did I, for that matter) but he is a devoted and joyful father, which is one of the sexiest things a man can be.

In Blood Entangled, the sequel to Blood Vine, Lena is torn between pursuing a human life as a wife and mother, or following her destiny to serve in a vampire household with all its accompanying pleasures. She finds a book of poetry on Kos’s shelf—Galway Kinnel’s New and Selected Poems—and she fancies herself a little in love with the octogenarian poet by virtue of his words. The poem that steals her heart is “After Making Love, We Hear Footsteps,” and if you don’t know it, you can hear Kinnel himself read it here. The poem represents Lena’s longing for something she cannot have—that family life with Kos. What Lena doesn’t know is that Kos also loves the poem so much that he had to stop reading it.

This poem holds a special place in my heart. It was given to me by the friend with whom I first began to explore my theological interest in sexuality and spirituality. And when I experienced years of infertility, the poem, although painful to read, was my prayer. Now I get to hear two sets of those footsteps, so it felt natural to give the same poem to Lena in my hopefulness for her happy ending. As a character, she couldn’t be more opposite from me, except in the sense that we are both women, trying to make choices and follow our hearts while negotiating many roles and longings.

Do you have a favorite book about fatherhood?